I need to pen my thoughts somewhere but its getting increasingly hard to do this.
In the past, twitter used to be my way updating, reminding or ranting to my friends. In those days, I don't have to worry about getting judged by what i say because those who're following me are my close friends. As i progress further into school life, more follower requests came. Suddenly, my life isn't that private anymore and sometimes I have to restrict my words and the way i behave because people are constantly judging and jumping into conclusions without even trying to find out the truth.
Sometimes, I really miss those times when I was a low-profile girl, only known to my circle of friends. Life was quite simple back then, go to school to study, hang out with friends and go back home to study, watch TV or read magazines to pass time. It may seem boring compared to some others who seem to lead an exciting life, those who are always involved in activities. But hey, the amount of activities you are up to do not determine your happiness level.
I am quite scared to see how much I've changed through this semester. I know change is not a bad thing and that I shouldn't be afraid of change. However, this change is getting a lil too much for me to handle.
There're so much more temptations heading my way as i grow older. Am i strong enough to handle these temptations? In the past, I was sure I wouldnt be. But for now, I'm not so sure. Its sad to say, that a part of me have given up hope. Suddenly what I used to regard and value so highly of vanished in a blinking of an eye. I really don't know what i can hold on to now.
Has the strong, determined part of me collapse? What happened to mel at the start of this semester? I remember so clearly the priorities i set for myself. Maintain and do well in my studies, engage in more school activities to build up my portfolio to enter NTU/SMU, cherish all things and friendships I have. It was so simple and I set out to accomplish this with confidence.
I think i managed to accomplish what I've set out to do. I got a scholarship and also became president of BAppreciation. But i guess I got so caught up in these that I forgot being myself and staying happy is what matters most.
There're so many thoughts running through my mind now and its a little hard for me to organize them and pen them down. But typing this post has helped a little.
I'm sorry for all that I've done previously. I know apologizing does not help, taking actions to prevent these from happening does. Lord, please forgive me again and put your trust in me. I don't want to make any promises, but this time, I'll try my best to make things right. Please watch over me, and grant me the strength, determination, courage, optimism that I need.
The exams are drawing near and I feel really guilty for not studying as hard as i used to. Tomorrow will be a new beginning, and I will give my very best to ace this. All the efforts I put in shall not go to a waste.
To Y, I dont know if you'll be reading this. There is a chance you might be, and I want to tell you that the idea of blogging was inspired by you. Please don't feel helpless. Your text is exactly what I need to tide through this. I'm glad I've found you.
